What Color is Your Brain?
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Contemplation. I learned something interesting today. OK, not entirely true. I observed something interesting today. I had the opportunity today to observe some of my past actions from a third party perspective. You know, it's what happens if you're listening closely as somebody tells you what you've done. Tonight I listened to one of my friends tell me about (and not in detail) how I acted towards a girl I was interested in a few years back. I realized in listening that way more than I wanted to succeed in developing any sort of relationship, I wanted to fail. My actions were designed for failure. I believed at the time that my failure had accomplished something in my life, but seeing that I set myself up, it makes me wonder if anything was accomplished at all. Day by day doubt grows about any of the major victories I thought I had won in life.
Hear here. To watch from the outside is to never play. What, my friend, is gained by playing in a game of flaws? Or perhaps it doesn't matter? We are all flawed. Perhaps if you bring enough flaws together in exactly the wrong way something beautiful happens? I mourn the lost, the unwilling, and the dying. Grace has not been bestowed on those who take. Or has it? What, then, am I waiting for? Do you ever simply reach the point where everything simply must go? Every conclusion, every decision, every principle drawn deep beyond the sand, burned into the rock.... no, it cannot be doubted... The forging, my friend. It's about the forging. All my succeeding is a long, long list of failings. Here among the shadows I remain. Can you see?
I wrote a note once called, "Confessions of a Blind Man." If I ever write an autobiography, that's what it will be called.
posted by Lauren @ Sunday, May 30, 2004
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