Saturday, September 11, 2004

Here is here and it's another day. I've just returned from holidays in Winnipeg. It was very good to visit with my friends from there. We met up in Regina for the Rider/Blue Bomber game. Milt Stiegal tossed his touchdown football to one of my friends who was sitting (or rather at that time, jumping and screaming) beside me in the endzone. The day after the game I caught a ride with them back to Winnipeg, spent a few days, and last night caught the bus back. Now, I face the inevitable return to work.

I have to be careful as I write this. When I begin thinking about returning to work, my throat and chest tighten up, and I find it impossible to fully relax. I'm preoccupied, find it difficult to concentrate, and have lost interest in the things in life I usually enjoy. I was really hoping that after a week and a bit away from work I'd be over this, but it only seems to have gotten worse. I have definitely had times where I really did not enjoy work and even strongly disliked it, but I've never before reached a place where thinking about going to work marched me down the path of critically high anxiety levels. In the past, I spent well over a year in a nasty dark depression where a huge contributing factor was high anxiety levels. This could get dangerous.

I've decided in the last month I'm going to quit my job and go back to school. I've always planned on returning to school, but this last month has brought me to the decision to make it happen. (The only problem is, I'm planning on starting next September.) This last month I've come to realize I really can't continue this job indefinitely. I've discovered critical parts of what I believe that are contrary to what I need to be in order to do this job. I came to the conclusion a long time ago that people who are willing to let others walk all over them have problems. Is this not so? People that are willing to let others treat them like absolute crap and don't do anything to stop it have some serious issues. I don't believe there is anything in this world that makes it worthwhile to let someone stomp all over me. If anybody does say something is worth it, something is too important to them. And now my boss points out to me one customer who royally treated us like crap, (to, in his own words, "teach us a lesson"), tells me that this guy is a regular customer who has referred several other customers to us and expects me to reach the conclusion that somehow, money makes this all worth while. I'm sorry, but this idea that money magically makes putting up with customers who don't believe the laws of general decent human behavior apply to them is diametrically opposed to what I believe to be true about living as a healthy human being.

I guess I've got a couple of things to contemplate. Can I quit now? Can I actually go back? Can I last another year? If I can, is it worth it? And in summary, I'd just like to say... Grrrrr.

posted by Lauren @ Saturday, September 11, 2004 0 comments