Introspection. I just couldn't resist.
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Contemplation. I learned something interesting today. OK, not entirely true. I observed something interesting today. I had the opportunity today to observe some of my past actions from a third party perspective. You know, it's what happens if you're listening closely as somebody tells you what you've done. Tonight I listened to one of my friends tell me about (and not in detail) how I acted towards a girl I was interested in a few years back. I realized in listening that way more than I wanted to succeed in developing any sort of relationship, I wanted to fail. My actions were designed for failure. I believed at the time that my failure had accomplished something in my life, but seeing that I set myself up, it makes me wonder if anything was accomplished at all. Day by day doubt grows about any of the major victories I thought I had won in life.
Hear here. To watch from the outside is to never play. What, my friend, is gained by playing in a game of flaws? Or perhaps it doesn't matter? We are all flawed. Perhaps if you bring enough flaws together in exactly the wrong way something beautiful happens? I mourn the lost, the unwilling, and the dying. Grace has not been bestowed on those who take. Or has it? What, then, am I waiting for? Do you ever simply reach the point where everything simply must go? Every conclusion, every decision, every principle drawn deep beyond the sand, burned into the rock.... no, it cannot be doubted... The forging, my friend. It's about the forging. All my succeeding is a long, long list of failings. Here among the shadows I remain. Can you see?
I wrote a note once called, "Confessions of a Blind Man." If I ever write an autobiography, that's what it will be called.
*sigh* Back again. I've been thinking. Anyone who knows me starts getting frightened at this point. I've been thinking about several things (you should now be terrified). Perhaps I'll share. I've been thinking a considerable amount the last few weeks about our free market economy or whatever it's supposed to be called. I don't think it's psychologically healthy. Just think for a moment. Have you ever said or done some small thing to someone and they totally blew up at you? Why did they do that? It wasn't because they were simply reacting to you. Rather, it was because they were reacting to the cumulative effect of one or several other people doing the same thing to them so often that it drives them absolutely crazy. Now let's think about the world of retail for a moment. Day in and day out you've got customers coming in and doing and saying exactly the same things (with but minor variations) and eventually they all blend into one. I've gotten to the point where someone starts complaining about a problem (I'm a service tech.) I just about feel like slapping them (OK, not quite, but you get the idea). It's not because
those customers did something. It's because they all do! Back in the day when our world's were so much smaller, we wouldn't have had the same problem because we wouldn't have known enough people to get aggravated at
those people. Anyhow, I've decided the entire free world is going to develop (or perhaps already has) collective psychological scarring.
Tomorrow. Tomorrow will be an interesting day. It's house/mortgage hunting day. I find it interesting how I am completely not comprehending the magnitude of a decision to buy a house. It's like it's a good thing to do, so why not? I know it is. I'm simply surprised at my lack of desire to do serious heart searching before moving ahead. I've mostly crunched numbers. What else do I need?
Hmmm... questions. Nothing but questions. (OK, almost. I do know
something, but not very much.
I live in a world where no one seems to hear. Even fewer people actually see. Even still, we wonder what it would be like to be deaf or blind. Hear me now; see and believe........ You see, I haven't listened. I haven't noticed what it is I'm supposed to be knowing right now. Apparently, the average person will remember approximately 3 minutes worth of a 30 minute sermon. Why not just have a 3 minute sermon? What is it to fail and remember? What is it to shrink while you're growing? The only way to get inside is to stop.
...be innocent of evil.
Tonight I seek inspiration. As if to emphasize that thought, I've just realized I have no idea what to write. Oh well. I was asking myself earlier if I should write first, or listen first. I guess I'll listen. Tune in with me, will ya?
A melody is the sprinkling of the glass as the fish breaks the punchbowl and at long last earns the right to breath unpolluted air. (A short lived dream, I might add) A paradigm is the bringing together of morning
misteries and the banking of glory waves. My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts. Miracles, they happen all the time you know. It's like when a window breaks with no pane. Or maybe it's not. My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts. Hystery? A miracle moment. Memoirs. The long legs of an 18th century oak dining set complete with 4 chairs and a master bedroom. Elongated bubble winding it's way through the space of time, cutting a path through the prone blackness of the world we don't live in. Mindless monotony. Mind numbing monogamy? A miracle is what happens every time I wake up before noon. At peace, at last. The melody...
I hear in the distance the sound of water hoping to fall. I hear music waiting to be played; laughter waiting to be laughed. What is a smile but an inverted crescendo? What is the future but someone else's past? Who in their right mind dares to dream without hearing first the song which has
that dream inspired? Here and now I'm faced with a dilemma. A computer screen and a keyboard that refuse to obey. I, here; now, (besides being awfully fond of punctuation!) need to step, to move (all from the comfort of this, not my living room chair). A ship without a rudder? No, more like a sports car with no one at the wheel. Hypotheses.
Well now, that was one step forward. One step forward and two steps back. Probably not. However it might be worth noting that the potential does not even exist. I've been singing a song a fair bit lately. The song you will find
Wow, that's totally not what I intended to do, but seeing as how I've never done that before, I think I'll just leave it in.
I think I've just found the leave in
I will believe in.
