Monday, January 30, 2006

Al Qaeda Claims Responsibility for Liberal Party in Canada

UNDISCLOSED LOCATION (SBP) - As if the scandal-plagued campaign was not enough for the federal Liberals, word has come out that Osama Bin Laden and his Al Qaeda operatives have claimed responsibility for the Canadian political party. The message was broadcast as part of Bin Laden's audio address that was released to the world this past thursday.

"Yes, infidels, we are responsible for the Liberal Party of Canada," said Bin Laden near the end of his translated message where he threatened further attacks on the United States, "Did you not see the signs?

"Fools, all of you."

In the audio address, Bin Laden pointed to the parallels between the terrorist organization and the Liberal Party.

"Al Qaeda has questionable resources of income; the Liberal Party of Canada shuffles money around like a satanic American playing three card monty. Al Qaeda hates christians; the Liberal Party of Canada passes laws to spite christianity. Al Qaeda has a sympathetic television network, Al Jazeera; the Liberal Party of Canada has it's own television network, namely the CBC.

"Really, infidels, was it that hard to figure out?"

The revelation was part of Al Qaeda's publicity campaign to show that they weren't just about terrorism through explosives and weaponry.

"Al Qaeda has been typecast as a bunch of cowardly fundamentalists who know only violence; they also say we only work in cells of 3. This is all incorrect." said Bin Laden, "The fact we can direct a political mob with no trace of good morals shows we can inflict far more damage on an entire country rather than just a small area of innocent civilians.

"You have phrase in Canada: we are no one trick pony. How you like me now?"

News of the claim by Al Qaeda sent shockwaves through the Canadian election campaign and the Liberal Party was quick to react and deny the accusation.

"We are not a product of the Al Qaeda operatives," said Liberal Leader and Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin, "Yes, we may look like it what with all the corruption, societal manipulation and backroom dealings but, I assure you, we are NOT associated with the Al Qaeda operatives."

Continued Martin: "As my first order of business as Prime Minister, after removing the 'Not Withstanding' clause from the constitution, I will personally see to it that there are no terrorists in my party.

"I assure you, lowly infidels, you have nothing more to fear with a Liberal Party in power."

Martin expects his refuting of the claim will win voters in Toronto when the election commences on January 23, 2006.

via Saskabush

Found in Men's Washroom.

We aim to please.  You aim too, please.
from Psychology of Language, David W. Carroll, 2004

Sunday, January 29, 2006

And the Winner Is....

ME!!  It’s all about word association.

jovial => happy

Easy enough right.  The next one’s more fun.

jovian => “Of, relating to, or resembling the planet Jupiter. (dictionary.com)” Such as one of it’s many moons.
moon => ass => donkey

Really.  Jokes are more fun when you don’t have to explain them.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

A Change in the Wind

It’s happening. The last strong ties to my home town of Herbert are being severed. My parents put their house up for sale. In a few months, they’ll be moving in with me (it’s their house, so I suppose I’ll let them). It’s been 5 years or so since I last lived with my parents. This will be interesting.

The Semi-biannual TSAWCB Sweepstakes!!

tomorrow morning comes too soon. moth ball the miracle and sink higher into the deep green soup.  wax the pane mirage of whyde Arabian sunsteppes.  Quarter past forever can’t wait to seep deeper into my veins across manifolding nightmares of blossoming reason.  Sought and lost and bound and married betwixt the thorn of empty money jar.  Harry Air jets away!  Crucible critical calculated mockery might make slippery folks remember yesterday’s brunch.  Monopoly many grab torches as wildlife destroy the future’s yesterday because the Marlboro Man finally found Nicorette.  Granny’s gums don’t get much action these days since Gramps finally got his own.

Hyde.  Rynn and Hyde.

Action taken tomorrow accomplishes nothing except pacificivity.

Belay disorder.  Long suit.

Jovial jovian = happy donkey.  It’s true.  How?  First one to figure it out wins.

another fun fact

Toronto Population =     human:  2.5 million
                                = rat: 15 million

-- thanks CBC!    

Thursday, January 12, 2006

Fun Fact

Right now I’m using ice cream to cool my CPU.  It’s working like a charm.

MarroW

Redroot pigweed, Russian thistle, wild oats, green foxtail, cow cockle, Canada thistle, kochia, buckwheat, barnyard grasses, millet.

Swathing lentils, and kochia.

Mirromar.  Scandalous.  Hyposynthetic by microsymponic bought angelsympathic nerotony (it’s a new field of botony).  Around and back again and around.  Crazy foxes jumping over stupid brown dogs that crawl under creepy old logs and around and back again and around.  Yesterday all my troubles seemed so far away.  That’s a lie.  Godzilla and Humphrey Bogart.  Mixmaster upset, and you tell me why a simple web search for “naked singularity” to top off my high school physics paper on black holes brought up so many things having nothing to do with science.

If you had to lose one of your five primary senses, which would you choose to lose?  That’s probably too easy for too many people.  I can’t smell half the time anyway, and the other half someone’s farting.  Which probably means someone’s farting all the time.  And considering I live by myself, I might be trying to send myself a message here.  That’s no good, my answering machine is broken… by popular demand.

microgigantic pygmy elephants,
watching their garden grow,
o’er the fields and through the woods
in the deep white snow

a monolithic databank of fancy tie, rolodecking merriment.

here too, come thither, make a way, depart hence.

mox me wunce, pirate boy, and i’ll skin your teeth of gold leaf

What does a dog trying to hack up that last piece of crap he was trying to drag to the lawn for your viewing pleasure but ‘accidentally’ ate, a 90 year old smoker trying to hack up his last remaining bronchi, and I have in common?  I’d tell you, but then I’d probably just bring up something phlegmatic.

Morning has broken.  Dang it!  Would somebody just get off their lazy civil butts and fix the darn thing already!!

Sunday, January 08, 2006

Legally Speaking

  5 Some judge one day to be better than another, while others judge all days to be alike. Let all be fully convinced in their own minds. 6Those who observe the day, observe it in honor of the Lord. Also those who eat, eat in honor of the Lord, since they give thanks to God; while those who abstain, abstain in honor of the Lord and give thanks to God.

Everything is indeed clean, but it is wrong for you to make others fall by what you eat; 21it is good not to eat meat or drink wine or do anything that makes your brother or sister stumble. 22The faith that you have, have as your own conviction before God. Blessed are those who have no reason to condemn themselves because of what they approve. 23But those who have doubts are condemned if they eat, because they do not act from faith for whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.
     From Romans 14 NASB via the World Wide Study Bible

So what?  God doesn’t really care specifically what we do, so long as our conscience is clear in doing it?  We’re just supposed to do whatever we do in honour of the Lord, and make sure we’re not causing other weaker Christians to stumble?  Everything is indeed clean!  It sounds here like our conscience is our ultimate standard of what is right or wrong for us.  Not what so and so ex Christian pop star thinks.  Not what Grandma Friesen in the back row of the balcony who’s been a Christian for 75 years thinks.  She’s not the weaker Christian (I hope).  It sounds like it really is between us and God.

Saturday, January 07, 2006

From the Movie "Deadly Impact"

During an intimate moment…

Her:  What’s the matter?
Him (a cop): I keep thinking about those two [guys who got away].  I want ‘em.  I want ‘em bad.
Her:  I’ll go make some coffee.

Irony

The most recent investment I’ve made in my health was a bottle of whiskey.  It does wonderful things to a sore throat.

Friday, January 06, 2006

10 Rules of Dating My Daughter

Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you"d better be delivering apackage, because you"re sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter"s body, I will remove them.

Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don"t take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, infact come off during the course of you date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four: I"m sure you"ve been told that in today"s world, sex without utilizing a "Barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five: It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: "early"

Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities todate other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with mydaughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, youwill continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don"tyou do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden tool. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to introduce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which features chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. (Edit : make that a six packed, red haired, 43 year old pain in the ass) But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house.

Rule Ten: Be afraid,. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveways you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camoflaged face at the window is mine

Posted on http://www.lydiarocks.blogspot.com/

Thursday, January 05, 2006

like a knife in the gut

Posted on berto.ca

Well I am back in Santa Cruz. The visit out to Ipati was defiantly interesting. I will try to post pictures for you when I get home. There are so many things about these people whom my parents are working with; that I just couldn’t believe. For one thing their indentured slavery only ended in 1994. As I understand it this is what let to their long standing captivity. When the Spaniards conquered much of Latin America many of it original inhabitants became slaves to the conquistadors. As the land was divided up many of the land owners (lords) used the slaves within their lands to work in their fields. As revolution led to independence the new ruling class were the wealthy (many of the old lords were extremely making them part of the ruling class). Though the slaves were supposed to be freed after the independence many were kept as indentured slaves. They were kept in captivity because the patrones (land owners) claimed that they were owed money for rent and food and other thing which they provided for their “workers”. Though the slaves received a wage for their work it was never enough to cover their debt to the patron. They were kept in captivity till 1994 when an NGO (non governmental organization) paid their debt and set them free. Just mind blowing that a group of people could remain in this condition for so long. I know that this is something that still goes on today but as is our human nature when you are put face to face with the reality of our world, it somehow becomes more real. Its crazy the consequences that we bring upon each other by or very actions.

Wednesday, January 04, 2006

love

“What we are asked to do is to love; and this love itself will render both ourselves and our neighbor worthy if anything can.Indeed, that is one of the most significant things about the power of love. There is no way under the sun to make a man worthy of love except by loving him. As soon as he realizes himself loved – if he is not so weak that he can no longer bear to be loved – he will feel himself instantly becoming worthy of love. He will respond by drawing a mysterious spiritual value out of his own depths, a new identity called into being by the love that is addressed to him.”~Thomas Merton

Posted on Mercy Street.

Develop the skill so as to aim with perfection or hope the shot counts when the time is right?

Ok… what follows is an excerpt from a newsletter from www.realsocialdynamics.com.  I post it because I think exemplifies an interesting question on the topic of ethics in the world of dating.  I’m looking for your thoughts.  Thoughts Saskatoon?  Regina?  Moose Jaw?  Sunnyvale?  Random person who doesn’t know how you got here?

*** QUESTION ***

Hi Jeffy,

I have a problem. I'm almost 23 years old now and I've never had a girlfriend. In fact, I've never even kissed a girl. I'm in fairly good shape, have lots of friends, and I've got my life together. Recently, I've started to approach some of the really attractive girls I like: 8's and 9's mostly.  

My game is not very tight, but I'm making progress. I can approach sets of girls in a club or on the street, but I'm not really getting anywhere.

Problem is, I don't know how long it will take me. 1 year? 2 years?

In the mean time, there are many girls that I'm not that attracted to who are already chasing me: 6's mostly. All of my friends recommend I just sleep with them and work my way up, "because hot girls are harder to get."

I've read in your newsletters that you say hot girls are not harder to get, just different.  

Is this really true though?  I don't have any experience even kissing girls and I'm afraid they'll turn me down once it comes time to escalate.  

Working towards some indefinite time in the future when I can get a girl I'm actually attracted to is really intimidating. But settling for these girls I don't really like doesn't seem like a good alternative either. The older I get, the more sexually experienced other girls get, and the more I pale by comparison.

I'd very much appreciate some advice on which path I should take and why.

Thanks man,

ATB

>>>>>> MY REPLY:

I have some words of encouragement for you here, man.

It only SEEMS like you're not getting anywhere.

The amount of time it will take to get good depends on your both natural skill and the amount of dedication you have. Getting good at this stuff is roughly the same level of difficulty as learning to play a musical instrument, or learning to dance.

Hang in there and the skill will come.

Now, let's examine your very interesting and thought-provoking inquiry.

I'm gonna stand by my previous advice about picking up "6s" and say that, in the vast majority of cases, it's not a good idea.

Practicing on 6s can actually hinder your progress, because this game we teach is not geared toward them. It is designed for use on 8s, 9s, and 10s.

That's why I'm actually AFRAID to approach these "lesser" girls. I know what will happen: I roll up, spit some game, they look at me like I'm an alien and blow me out. They think, "What the hell is this? This guy is screwing with me."

Practicing on these girls is like training for a fight with Mike Tyson by sparring with Gary Coleman.

But in this particular instance I would recommend getting with the lower girls. Because you don't even have a frame of reference when it comes to physical escalation.

You need to get comfortable escalating physically with a girl PERIOD before you can start thinking about PARTICULAR girls to escalate with.

We're not talking about "game" here. Were talking about pure physical experience, so when you do get the 9 attracted you know what to do and you're not all nervous about it.

You say the girls are getting more experienced and you are starting to pale by comparison? Think about how embarrassed you'll be when you go to kiss a 9 and you chode out because you were too proud to kiss a 6.

This isn't just me theorizing. I recently had a student who was a 29 year old virgin. The guy had to, literally, ask me HOW TO KISS.

Like, I said, "Ok, well, you just go in aggressively on a high note, and..."

He interrupted me: "No, HOW do I actually DO IT? How do you KISS?"

He then went on to tell me that his parents never touched him as a child. Oh man.

His game was pretty good, he had a solid grasp on the actual theory and execution, but when it came to physical escalation, he couldn't do it because he was utterly clueless.

So, on the last night of program, I found some drunk chick, like a 7, and basically forced her to kiss him. Was it kind of awkward? Yeah. Did it work?

Yeah. Months later, the guy sends me an email detailing all the action he's been getting since the program. He's making out with chicks on top of national monuments, in the mall, everywhere.

All because he got the ball rolling with a drunk 7.

Don't knock it till you've tried it. The 9s will still be there when you're ready. Trust me.

So THAT's what I've been doing wrong!

“[Girls] are exceptionally flighty creatures, utterly and totally  unpredictable.  You simply can't figure them out, so don't try to.  The only thing you can predict about them is that they can't be predicted.
     -- Dr. Alex Benzer